Honest day
Brutally honest, the kind of day when you say what you have always muttered under your breath. Liberating? YES! Imprisoning? ......that too. You can always change your mind if you dont speak. I suppose I can change my mind anytime, but i have too much pride for that. No, once I've spoken, thats it no turning back now. Its been said and i convince myself that sticking to it is a matter of integrity, its not. It has little to do with integrity, it has more to do with thinking that im right all the time.
I felt a surplus of that today. I woke up sure that i was right, about what? it didnt matter i just started looking till i found it.
"You are trying to manipulate me! You think I owe you something? One of these days youre gonna wake up and realize that no one owes you anything. When they serve you it isnt because they owe you, its out of the goodness of their heart! No one owes you anything!" It wasnt even 7:00 am yet and already I was off to a start. The 16 year old i take to school was trying to get a little more out of me. On most mornings I would have complied just to be kind, not today. I dont think he remembered i love him when he slammed the car door, i lost that battle.
Im posessive about my space, i dont have much. Pretty much my car is the closest thing i have to personal space. So I would like it to reflect what i would like my life to reflect(if that makes sense) I've been clear about this in the past. "Use my car, its always fine but dont leave things in it, dont junk it up" I said this months ago because i would loan it out crawl in and it would reflect the family lifestyle, felt like a disease or some kind of fungus. Sometimes it feels like its closing in on all sides, just trying to break me so that i can be assimilated into its construct. So I will sit in my car, where its clean.......well not clean, but if its dirty at least its my dirt.
So, back to stupid "honest day" remarks.
There was a candy bar wrapper on the floor in my car and some wood dohicky on my dashboard. I walked in the house displaying the wrapper like a dead rat by the tail. "Is this yours?" Mom replies "Oh im sorry" "I protest" walking away. Mistake, Mom was as tired as i was, I had crossed the line and for another moment forgotton that neither I nor the car would exist if she wasnt patient with me. It was my weakness on display not hers.
I spent the whole day like this, pretty self destructive really. It didnt feel like that when i was glorying in the fact that i was just saying what i always thought. I always thought i was right until I said it.
I felt a surplus of that today. I woke up sure that i was right, about what? it didnt matter i just started looking till i found it.
"You are trying to manipulate me! You think I owe you something? One of these days youre gonna wake up and realize that no one owes you anything. When they serve you it isnt because they owe you, its out of the goodness of their heart! No one owes you anything!" It wasnt even 7:00 am yet and already I was off to a start. The 16 year old i take to school was trying to get a little more out of me. On most mornings I would have complied just to be kind, not today. I dont think he remembered i love him when he slammed the car door, i lost that battle.
Im posessive about my space, i dont have much. Pretty much my car is the closest thing i have to personal space. So I would like it to reflect what i would like my life to reflect(if that makes sense) I've been clear about this in the past. "Use my car, its always fine but dont leave things in it, dont junk it up" I said this months ago because i would loan it out crawl in and it would reflect the family lifestyle, felt like a disease or some kind of fungus. Sometimes it feels like its closing in on all sides, just trying to break me so that i can be assimilated into its construct. So I will sit in my car, where its clean.......well not clean, but if its dirty at least its my dirt.
So, back to stupid "honest day" remarks.
There was a candy bar wrapper on the floor in my car and some wood dohicky on my dashboard. I walked in the house displaying the wrapper like a dead rat by the tail. "Is this yours?" Mom replies "Oh im sorry" "I protest" walking away. Mistake, Mom was as tired as i was, I had crossed the line and for another moment forgotton that neither I nor the car would exist if she wasnt patient with me. It was my weakness on display not hers.
I spent the whole day like this, pretty self destructive really. It didnt feel like that when i was glorying in the fact that i was just saying what i always thought. I always thought i was right until I said it.
posted by Spike at 5:51 PM
9 Comments:
So, I finally got my computer back and in working order. This is really cool, if I ever actually had anything interesting going on in my life that I was willing to talk about it could be fun, but as you know I am a girl of few words.
I don't have "honest days" too often, maybe that's not such a bad thing, it usually doesn't go so well when I do just say what I think. Thinking before you speak is deffinately not a bad idea, but thinking too much and not speaking at all, I think that could be almost as bad as blurting out whatever comes to mind.
The fun thing about blogs is that ANYTHING gets to be interesting. Anyone who thinks you're boring can shove off and read something else.
Why is it always my mean self that gets honest days?
good point
Your nice self probably does too, only you don't realize it because it doesn't have a negative affect on other people, or yourself for that matter. Mostly though I think it has to do with getting fed up with being good and nice all the time, all of those other things have to come out sooner or later, so we have honest days. And it'll probably continue, at least until we reach a more perfected state.
Oooo, you're right. Storing up good thoughts doesn't make us explosive. They don'te create tension.
honest? Is the perging of ones cranial bile honest. I protest. Honesty is not saying what you think but rather saying what is true, and what is truth?
Jesus said unto him, I am the way, the TRUTH, and the life....
John 14:6
It is interesting to note that John also said
He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love
1John 4:8
If the Lord is both truth and love than the two must be intrinsically connected. I submit that love is the only true emotion, that a statement cannot be true unless it is made in love, and that any statement spawned of an ignoble emotion is tainted by that emotions untruth and therefore inherently dishonest.
Amen
Love is not an emotion. If life is an algebraic equasion, love is a constant and the emotions are variables. Just as one can be happy with love, one can be angry with love, fearfull with love, grieving with love. Isn't the Old Testament full of an angry God? Isn't that the same God we know as all-loving? How do you reconcile that if love is not only an emotion but the only emotion allowed to be true?
Is it impossible, then, for us to be honest?
I don't think it's impossible to be honest. The only one we have to be honest with is ourself. That being done, the rest falls into place. That's how God works, isn't it? And once we choose to lie a little or a lot, the webs we weave become so complex so quickly they drag us down faster than we can "remember" the way back up. The hard part is remembering NOT to lie, even a little, to ourselves. I find myself letting little lies slip, so as not to offend someone, which exactly what I'm doing to myself...shame on me!
Sometimes I wish i was more Honest. Not that I'm running around lying to everyone but I'm not very honest with myself and I hardly ever let people know how I really feel. Which in a sense is lying. For instance i was dating this girl and she broke up with me on valintines day, and on the outside I was very collected and understanding but on the inside I was lost, confused, maybe even a little angry or disapointed but that didn't come out at all. I'm not sure why I do these things, I think that it is mostly because I can't stand to see people hurt and if I were to react rashly whe would have felt horrible and that would have killed me. So I lied and it still killed me. I understand that there needs to be a balance but where. perhaps i need to start worrying about my own feelings more than others.
wow went of on a tanget. Honesty is a tricky thing. When we are honest people get hurt and then we get hurt, sometimes when we're not we get hurt.
I don't know I'm just babling now.
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